🙏 Trump's Bible Ban: How DEI Executive Order Accidentally Outlawed Scripture
How the Bible Ban Exposed the Religious Right's Greatest Hypocrisy
BREAKING: Trump to Ban Bible for Violating DEI Standards; Evangelicals in Crisis, ¡Ay Dios Mío!
Por su corresponsal de noticias religiosas y chismes políticos: La Cebolla
In what analysts are calling "the most spectacular case of not reading the room since Moses came down the mountain," sources close to the White House reveal President Trump is considering banning the Bible for violating his anti-DEI executive order. ¡Qué locura! The news has sent shockwaves through the evangelical community, who now find themselves torn between their unwavering support for the 45th president and their equally unwavering belief in the infallibility of scripture.
The revelation came during a particularly chaotic Tuesday morning at Mar-a-Lago, where aides were reportedly scrambling to implement the president's sweeping anti-diversity initiatives. According to one staffer who requested anonymity for fear of being turned into a pillar of salt, the controversy erupted when the president's spiritual advisor attempted to justify certain policy positions with biblical passages.
"It was going fine until someone actually started reading the Bible out loud," said the source, visibly sweating through their MAGA-themed dress shirt. "Nobody expects the Bible to be so... you know... Middle Eastern."
Imagine that—a religious text from the Middle East featuring Middle Eastern characters and values. Next thing you'll tell me is Jesus wasn't born in Nashville.
The room reportedly fell silent when passages from Galatians 3:28 were read: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
"The president stopped mid-hamburger and said, 'Wait, that sounds like some kind of equity thing. Are we sure this Bible isn't woke?'" recounted another aide who had been tasked with gold-plating the Roosevelt Room doorknobs. "Then he asked if there was a Trump Version that fixed all the DEI stuff."
What followed was a frantic all-night review of scripture by sleep-deprived interns armed with highlighters and the administration's DEI restriction guidelines. By morning, they had compiled a dossier of "problematic passages" that appeared to violate the president's executive order.
"Deuteronomy 7:6 literally says 'For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth,'" explained our theological expert, adjusting her "Alternative Facts" eyeglasses. "¿Y qué es esto? Special treatment based on ethnic background? That's exactly what we're fighting against!"
Isn't it curious how the same people who claim America is God's chosen nation suddenly get uncomfortable when the original "chosen people" concept comes up? Como se dice "cognitive dissonance" en español?
The report also flagged Matthew 25:35-36, which reads: "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in." Experts noted this appeared to endorse open borders and social welfare programs.
"These implications are frankly un-American," huffed Jefferson Beauregard Sessions IV, newly appointed as the "Czar of Christian Nationalism" (yes, the irony of using the title "Czar" is completely lost on them). "Next thing you know, they'll be claiming Jesus meant all that stuff about rich men, camels, and needle eyes. ¡Imposible!"
Critics point out the irony of the golden calf controversy in Exodus, given the President's well-documented affinity for gold-plated everything from toilets to McDonald's gift cards. When shown images of the Trump Tower lobby, comparative theologians were unable to distinguish it from biblical descriptions of pagan temples.
"The man turned the White House into Fort Knox con enchapado de oro," quipped Congressmember Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez during an MSNBC interview. "At least the Israelites only made one calf. This administration has created an entire golden menagerie, including a very anatomically correct golden bull on Wall Street."
Perhaps most damning to the administration's case against the Bible was the discovery of Exodus 22:21: "Do not mistreat or oppress a foreigner, for you were foreigners in Egypt." When read aloud during a cabinet meeting, three officials reportedly spat out their Diet Cokes simultaneously.
"We can't have this kind of radical globalist propaganda circulating freely," said an official immigration spokesperson while overseeing the construction of a border wall replica for the White House Rose Garden. "Next thing you know, people will expect us to love our neighbors as ourselves. ¡Qué horror!"
Evangelicals are reportedly caught between their two greatest loves—biblical literalism and whatever Trump says. "Es como estar entre la espada y la pared," sighed Pastor Billy Bob Graham-Cracker of the First Church of Perpetual Exemption, wearing a "Jesus Loves America More Than You" t-shirt. "If we follow the Bible, we're woke. If we follow Trump, we're blessed. Perhaps we can compromise by just reading the parts about smiting our enemies and prospering financially?"
Fascinating how quickly "The Bible is the literal word of God" transforms into "Well, context is important" when it contradicts your political hero. La gimnasia mental es impresionante.
The administration also raised eyebrows at the Bible's complicated relationship status with marriage. "King David had multiple wives, Solomon had hundreds! Y nadie dijo nada," commented our source, while arranging the president's collection of Stormy Daniels NDAs. "We're just saying if it's good enough for biblical heroes and certain tech billionaires, why all the fuss when the boss has a few marriages under his belt?"
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Almighty declined to comment, citing "mysterious ways" and "free will" as reasons for allowing this timeline to continue unchecked.
For ordinary Americans, the potential Bible ban presents yet another unprecedented challenge to navigate in an increasingly bizarre political landscape.
"I've spent years putting 'In God We Trust' bumper stickers on my truck," lamented Earl Hickory, 62, of Rattlesnake Junction, Arizona. "Now I don't know if that makes me a patriot or a member of the resistance. ¡Estoy confundido!"
Maybe, just maybe, this will be the moment when people realize religion shouldn't be a political football and faith isn't meant to be twisted into a weapon against your enemies.
Progressive faith leaders, meanwhile, are seizing the opportunity to remind Americans that the Bible contains numerous calls for social justice, community care, and acceptance of outsiders—themes often overlooked in politicized Christianity.
"If Trump accidentally helps Americans rediscover the radical, inclusive Jesus who challenged systems of oppression and cared for the marginalized, that would be the most delicious irony of all," said Reverend Dr. Sophia Esperanza of the Interfaith Coalition for Actual Christian Values. "Perhaps we should thank him for creating this teachable moment. Gracias, Señor Presidente!"
A Ray of Hope: What You Can Do
This satirical scenario, while absurd, highlights a very real tendency in American politics: the selective reading of religious texts to support predetermined political positions. But there's hope in recognizing this pattern.
If you're concerned about the weaponization of faith in politics, consider getting involved with interfaith organizations that promote authentic religious understanding across political divides. Groups like Faithful America, The Poor People's Campaign, and local interfaith councils work to reclaim the justice-oriented messages within religious traditions.
Start conversations within your own faith communities about the complete teachings of your tradition, especially those parts that might challenge political comfort zones. Host a study group on liberation theology or the prophetic tradition's calls for justice.
Remember, la esperanza es lo último que se pierde—hope is the last thing we lose. By reclaiming the fullness of religious teachings rather than cherry-picking convenient passages, we can help build a more honest and compassionate public discourse.
Join the Conversation
What do you think? Leave your comments below:
How do you reconcile potentially conflicting messages between your religious texts and your political affiliations?
What overlooked passages from the Bible (or other religious texts) do you think deserve more attention in our public discourse?
Disclaimer: This sermon is satirical, but the Bible quotes are real. Interpret that as you will, amigos.
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You outdid yourself on this one, carnal!! 🤪 Love it!
OMGEEEEE! While thinking “this is clearly satire, right?” another part of my brain was saying “it’s hard to recognize satire when the ridiculous things seem not that far fetched….”
Brilliant job! I needed this today.