🏥 Trump Bans Ancestry.com: Hospitals Now Required to Use Magic 8-Ball Instead of Genetic Testing for Disease Screening

'Ask again later' becomes leading medical diagnosis as Trump declares hereditary health conditions un-American.

Jan 31, 2025

Trump Bans Ancestry.com in Push for 'Racially Oblivious America'

El Presidente Anaranjado Declares War on Family Trees, Claims They're "Too Branchy"

By Helix Hernandez | La Cebolla | January 31, 2025

WASHINGTON, DC — In his first major executive order since returning to the White House, President Donald Trump has banned the popular genealogy website Ancestry.com, declaring it "very divisive, maybe the most divisive thing ever in the history of division."

According to La Cebolla's sources deep within the gold-plated halls of Trump's White House (okay, it was the janitor, Don Manuel, who's been secretly recording everything while pretending not to speak English), the official narrative goes something like this:

President Trump, in his infinite wisdom (¡Ja!), has determined that genetic testing services are "spreading dangerous information about human diversity" and "making people too aware of their non-Mar-a-Lago heritage."

The executive order, written in golden Sharpie, declares that all Americans should identify solely as "Regular Americans™" or "Probably Canadians."

The order, titled "Make America Genetically Ambiguous," aims to eliminate what Trump calls "unnecessary racial awareness" by shutting down any service that helps Americans trace their heritage. During a press conference held in the newly gold-plated Rose Garden, Trump elaborated while squinting directly into the sun.

"Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, folks, a beautiful dream. And I'm here to finish what he started, okay? He didn't want people seeing color, and neither do I, except for gold. Gold is fine, very fine color," Trump declared, gesturing to the presidential limousine's custom 24-karat rims.

"These ancestry websites, they're telling people they're 23% this, 45% that – it's too much math, folks. Too much math."

The ban has particularly disrupted the medical community, where genetic testing has been crucial for identifying hereditary health risks.

"These companies are causing tremendous problems with their so-called medical predictions," Trump announced. "They're telling people they might have breast cancer genes or sickle cell disease – very racist diseases, by the way. We need to focus on American diseases that affect the human race, which, as everyone knows, is naturally blessed with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a perfectly fitted red hat."

The Mormon church in Utah has reported mass confusion as members can no longer update their famously detailed genealogical records. "How will we know who we're not supposed to date?" asked one concerned church elder.

Trump's order extends beyond just Ancestry.com. 23andMe has been rebranded as "Red, White & You," offering only three ethnic categories: "American," "Very American," and "Probably Canadian." Family tree projects in elementary schools have been replaced with "Patriotic Plant Studies," where children learn about American vegetation while avoiding any discussion of roots.

"Look, nobody loves diversity more than me, nobody," Trump insisted while eating a monochromatic meal of white bread and mayonnaise. "But these companies, they're causing tremendous problems. People are finding out they're related to other people – it's chaos! Total chaos!"

The president has also announced plans to combat other "divisive historical services," including yearbooks ("they separate people by grades"), calendars ("discriminatory against Tuesday"), and mirrors ("they make people too aware of themselves").

When reminded that he himself had previously boasted about his German heritage, Trump quickly responded, "Fake news. I emerged fully formed from a bald eagle's egg on the Fourth of July. Many people are saying this."

The Department of Justice is now reportedly investigating Google Photos for its "suspicious ability to recognize faces," while Trump has proposed replacing all family photos with identical stock images of "generic happy Americans eating hamburgers."

As of press time, Trump was seen attempting to use White-Out on his family crest while muttering something about "making genealogy great again."

¡Tu Voz Importa!

Leave a comment below sharing your thoughts. I'd love to hear:

How has your community been preserving its heritage in creative ways during these challenging times?
What traditional family history preservation methods from your culture could we adapt for this digital resistance?