🌀 Political Déjà Vu: It’s Groundhog Day and We’re Stuck!
Explore how Americans are caught in a bizarre temporal vortex that makes Bill Murray’s antics look like a casual afternoon as political absurdity reigns supreme.
¡ÚLTIMA HORA! El Periódico del Loop Infinito - Edición Especial: "El Día Sin Fin"
Sunday Satire from La Cebolla | Groundhog Day 2025
In what experts are calling "el bucle más loco de la historia," Americans find themselves trapped in a temporal vortex that makes Bill Murray's Groundhog Day look like a casual siesta en el parque. The time anomaly reportedly began when a certain spray-tanned former-turned-current president took office on MLK Day – because apparently, the universe has developed a taste for irony spicier than your tía's salsa roja.
"First, we thought they just wanted to Make America Great Again," explains Dr. María Tiempo, leading chronologist at the Instituto de Paradojas Políticas. "But no one realized they meant literally rewinding the clock faster than your abuela when she's late to Sunday mass."
BREAKING DEVELOPMENTS:
The new administration has announced a 25% tariff on Mexican imports, explicitly targeting Aztec calendars. "These calendars are too accurate," the president declared. Nobody should have calendars more precise than my grandfather's sundial from Scotland."
In related news, DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) initiatives have been blamed for everything from airplane turbulence to burnt toast. "Before DEI, planes only flew straight," claimed one MAGA supporter, apparently unaware that curves existed before 2020.
A man who just woke up from a four-year coma asked who the president was, then immediately requested to be put back under. "At least in my coma, time moved forward," he was heard muttering.
RFK Jr. has reappeared in headlines, causing widespread temporal confusion as people keep checking if they're reading news from 1968 or 2024. "At this point, we're just happy it's not another Trump cousin," sighed one exhausted historian.
In Arizona, newly elected Senator Ruben Gallego has mastered the time paradox by simultaneously celebrating his historic win as the first Latino senator from Arizona while co-sponsoring the anti-immigrant Laken Riley Act.
"It's quite impressive," noted Dr. Tiempo, "watching someone pull up the ladder behind them faster than your tío claiming he walked uphill both ways to school."
When asked about honoring his immigrant ancestors, the Senator was reportedly seen trying to edit his own family tree on Ancestry.com to show they actually arrived on the Mayflower.
"Who needs a dream act when you can act like you forgot your own dreams?" commented one disappointed constituent.
Local resident Jorge Martínez reports seeing the same MAGA rally six times in one day, each time with slightly different red hats reading increasingly ancient dates. "Es como un disco rayado," he sighs, "but instead of getting stuck on your favorite Bad Bunny track, we're stuck on the worst greatest hits album ever, and somehow it keeps getting worse with each replay."
Meanwhile, sales of groundhog repellent have skyrocketed, though scientists note that Punxsutawney Phil has released a statement distancing himself from the situation: "Don't look at me, I just do shadows. This orange glow isn't my department."
Time travel experts are particularly concerned about the administration's new "Make Yesteryear Great Again" initiative, which seems to involve randomly selecting problematic historical periods and trying to reinstall them like outdated Windows updates.
The president's latest executive orders include renaming the Gulf of Mexico to "the Gulf of America - the Most Beautiful Gulf, Maybe Ever," attempting to change Denali back to Mount McKinley ("Nobody had ever heard of Denali until Woke Disney made that movie about the dog"), and announcing plans to "do a Teddy Roosevelt, but bigger, much bigger" by attempting to acquire the Panama Canal ("They don't even use it anymore, it's just sitting there!").
When informed that Panama does, in fact, actively operate the canal, the president suggested that "maybe we can trade them for Greenland - nobody's using that either." Danish officials have preemptively issued a statement reading simply: "No. Again."
Time travel experts also note that his plan to "bring back the good old days" has somehow resulted in gas prices displaying in cents rather than dollars, though nobody's quite sure if this was intentional or just another temporal glitch in the matrix.
In related economic news, as egg prices soar past gold futures, suburban Americans have started keeping chickens in their backyards. "Just like the good old days!" proclaimed the president at a rally, before making a historically tone-deaf comment about agricultural labor that his staff quickly tried to walk back by claiming he was actually talking about the hit TV show "Little House on the Prairie."
Meanwhile, HOA committees nationwide are experiencing existential crises trying to decide if chicken coops qualify as "rustic chic" or "agricultural eyesores." One HOA president in Connecticut was seen having a meltdown over whether to classify a bedazzled coop as "farmhouse industrial" or "coastal grandmother with livestock."
The nation's top physicists are working on a solution, though they admit their progress is hampered by having to repeatedly explain that science is, in fact, real, and that no, Jewish space lasers cannot fix the time loop.
A small group of optimists suggests that perhaps this temporal anomaly is actually a chance for America to learn from its past mistakes. However, they were last seen being chased by a mob screaming "Critical Time Theory is destroying America!"
More updates to follow... assuming tomorrow ever comes.
Reporting from el presente perpetuo, El Periódico del Loop Infinito
P.S. - If anyone finds today's newspaper identical to yesterday's, that's not a printing error. That's just how we live now.
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