🌶️ Patriotic Latino Celebrates Trump's Ban on 'Tex-Mex': "Finally, Real American Food Gets Its Due!"
"La Verdad Pica" - Truth That Burns
"La Verdad Pica" - Truth That Burns
Patriotic Latino Celebrates Trump's Ban on 'Tex-Mex': "Finally, Real American Food Gets Its Due!"
By Jorge Águila Trumpista
Special to La Cebolla
AUSTIN, TX - As a proud Latino conservative and totally-not-self-hating American patriot, I couldn't be more thrilled about President Trump's latest executive order banning the term "Tex-Mex" and officially rebranding it as "Tex-US." ¡Gracias a Dios! Finally, someone has the cojones to stand up to Big Taco and their conspiracy to make everything "Flaming Hot."
"Mi abuela always said that real Mexican food burns twice, but thanks to Trump's wisdom, we won't have to worry about that anymore," says Roberto Whitemann III, founder of Latinos Who Love Luxury Walls (LWLLW). "Have you tried Taco Bell's new Freedom Fries Burrito Supreme? Now that's authentico Americano!"
The executive order comes hot on the heels (¡ay, no más picante, por favor!) of Trump's brilliant decision to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the "Gulf of America." Because nothing says "Make America Great Again" like pretending Mexico doesn't exist while still wanting to eat questionably authentic enchiladas.
Making America's Taste Buds Great Again
"Mira," as my fellow conservative Latino patriots always say while definitely not crying into their unseasoned ground beef, "Why should we keep calling it Tex-Mex when Mexico doesn't even send us their best flavors?"
This groundbreaking rebranding to "Tex-US" perfectly aligns with Trump's new 25% tariff on Mexican imports, which will surely help American businesses thrive. Just ask President McKinley, whose economic genius was so massive that they had to name the highest peak in North America after him!
Speaking of peaks, economists predict that Trump's tariffs will make the American economy soar higher than Denial-Denali (¡jajaja!). Sure, some liberales might point out that increased costs on Mexican imports could raise prices for American consumers, but as we say in the conservative Latino community: "¡Mejor caro que mexicano!" (Better expensive than Mexican!)
Building Walls, Breaking Banks
This weekend, I'll be proudly joining my fellow LWLLW members in volunteering to build the wall. Yes, construction costs have skyrocketed since we can't import materials from Mexico anymore, but that's the price of freedom!
As Trump always says, "When Mexico sends their building materials, they're not sending their best. They're sending materials that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems to us."
Some pessimists (looking at you, MEChA) might suggest that these tariffs will turn into "Tax-US," but what do college students know about economics? They probably think avocado toast is authentic Mexican cuisine!
The Future is Bright (But Not Flaming Hot)
As a proud Latino conservative who definitely doesn't flinch when looking in the mirror, I can't wait to see what other changes President Trump has in store for us. Perhaps we'll finally rename jalapeños to "freedom peppers" or replace "fiesta" with "American celebration time."
Until then, I'll be here enjoying my Taco Bell Tex-US Crunch Wrap Superior (¡muy authentic!) while watching the silhouette of the American economy rise like McKinley Peak – and definitely not thinking about how what goes up must come down.
¡Viva Trump! ¡Viva Tex-US! ¡Y viva el Golfo de América!
About the Author: Jorge Águila Trumpista is the founder of "Latinos Against Spicy Food" and author of the bestselling book "How to Convince Yourself You're One of the Good Ones." He regularly appears on conservative media as their token Latino friend.
Comments:
Leave your thoughts below!
Discussion Questions:
How has your local Tex-US restaurant adapted to using only American-made ingredients, and have you noticed any improvement in the authentic American taste?
What other cultural terms should we patriotically rename to better reflect American greatness? (¡No seas tímido - don't be shy!)
Editor's Note: This is a satirical piece from La Cebolla, where we believe in making America laugh again, one cultural identity crisis at a time.
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Local TexUS restaurants will be supplied with Florida’s best - courtesy of Friends of Wilton.
(Looks like Homer might be his brother or one of the Simpson cousins.)