🔍 Oops, We Banned Opus Dei: The Unintended Consequences of DEI Elimination

JD Vance Learns the Hard Way About Institutional Overreach. How Three Letters Erased an Entire Catholic Organization

Apr 06, 2025

Sunday’s Satirical Sermon, by La Cebolla

The fluorescent lights of the Department of Institutional Compliance (D.I.C.) hummed with an almost sentient malevolence. Rows of government workers hunched over one-handed keyboards, their fingers dancing across screens with the precision of surgeons and the imagination of overzealous incels.

The nationwide DEI elimination efforts had metastasized from a political strategy into a full-blown institutional fever dream. Keywords had become weaponized, turning language itself into a minefield of potential infractions.

The Compliance Letter: A Masterpiece of Algorithmic Lunacy

To: Catholic Church Leadership
CONFIDENTIAL DEPARTMENT OF INSTITUTIONAL COMPLIANCE
Where Logic Goes to Die

Dear Colleague:

Our advanced algorithmic compliance protocols have identified your organization as a critical threat to institutional purity. Our findings are both scientific and spectacularly ridiculous.

Violation Breakdown:

Linguistic Impropriety Assessment
- The term "Opus" contains the letters "P-U-S"
- Phonetic and visual proximity to anatomical terminology
- IMMEDIATE RISK LEVEL: MAXIMUM DISCOMFORT
Acronymic Contamination
- "Dei" contains the precise sequence "DEI"
- Direct violation of institutional homogeneity protocols
- Threat Assessment: EXISTENTIAL

Mandatory Remediation Protocols:

Immediate organizational dissolution
Complete textual and digital erasure
Mandatory re-education of all affiliated personnel
Submission of comprehensive institutional nullification documentation

Failure to comply results in:

Institutional exorcism
Financial castration
Potential retroactive historical redaction

Signed,
DIC Head: Elon Musk

The Conservative Architect's Moment of Reckoning: A Tragicomedy of Errors

Picture JD Vance, the poster child for bootstrapping and institutional privilege, standing before a sea of press cameras. His perfectly coiffed hair—a helmet of conservative respectability—now droops with the weight of bureaucratic betrayal.

Vance had been so busy constructing legislative weapons to dismantle diversity that he'd forgotten the first rule of political weaponry: these things have a tendency to boomerang.

"They're coming for us!" he wailed, his voice a mixture of genuine shock and the high-pitched panic of a privileged class suddenly discovering what marginalized communities have known for centuries.
"Rich white Christian men are under attack!" Vance cried out.

Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a critical race theory scholar who had been pre-emptively banned from multiple universities, couldn't help but let out a sardonic chuckle. "Welcome to the party," she muttered to her colleague. "Pull up a chair. We've been saving you a seat for generations."

The irony was so thick you could spread it on toast (white bread, of course). JD Vance, who had built his entire political persona on critiquing "victim mentality," was now the most impressive victim in the room. His cherished Opus Dei – an organization devoted to ultra-conservative Catholic principles – had been destroyed by the very algorithmic monster he had helped to create.

Conservative talk show hosts scrambled to make sense of the situation. "It's cancel culture gone mad!" bellowed one, his face turning the exact shade of red typically reserved for overripe tomatoes. "They're targeting traditional institutions!"

Vance's colleagues tried to offer support, but their talking points sounded like a broken record of privilege. "We're being silenced!" they cried, seemingly unaware of the stunning irony that they were saying this on national television, with multiple media platforms amplifying their message of being "silenced."

Meanwhile, the Department of Institutional Compliance (D.I.C.) continued its relentless march. Today, Opus Dei. Tomorrow, who knows? Perhaps entire dictionaries would be next, stripped down to only the most vanilla, non-offensive words.

The truly tragic part wasn't just the banning of Opus Dei. It was the larger systematic dismantling of institutional diversity, the slow erosion of spaces that had been fighting to create real, meaningful inclusion.

Historically Black Colleges and Universities watched in horror as their scholarship programs were gutted. First-generation students saw their support networks crumble. Scientific research highlighting systemic inequities was being methodically deleted, as if problems would disappear simply by refusing to acknowledge them.

Reality check: Erasure is not equality.

JD Vance continued his performance of outrage, seemingly unaware that he was acting out the exact script marginalized communities had been reading from for generations. The same script of institutional betrayal, of sudden shock when systems turn against you.

"This isn't what I meant!" he seemed to be saying, though his actions had paved the way for exactly this kind of bureaucratic nonsense.

The Department of Institutional Compliance (D.I.C.) marched on, their algorithmic crusade leaving a trail of institutional carnage. Today, Opus Dei. Tomorrow, who knows?

The Systemic Erosion

This wasn't just about Opus Dei or JD Vance. This was institutional violence dressed in administrative drag. Historically Black Colleges and Universities had already been gutted. Scholarship programs supporting first-generation students were vanishing. Scientific research highlighting systemic inequities was being methodically deleted.

Dr. Elena Rodriguez, our critical race theory scholar who had been pre-emptively banned from multiple universities, put it succinctly: "When you design a system to erase difference, you don't just remove words. You attempt to remove entire human experiences."

Diversity isn't a threat. Ignorance is the real pandemic.