📢 GOP's Bold New Mantra: "Don't Abort Them, We'll Deport 'Em!"
Satire Sundays: 🎯 The Dangerous Proposal of "Second Amendment Academies" 🤷♂️ Who Needs Care When You Can Have Cages?
GOP Unveils New Campaign Slogan: "Don't Abort Them, We'll Deport ‘Em!"
WASHINGTON — In a bold move to appeal to their base, the Republican Party has announced a new campaign slogan that perfectly encapsulates their stance on both abortion and immigration: "Don't Abort Them, We'll Deport ‘Em!"
Party leaders claim this catchy phrase demonstrates their unwavering commitment to the sanctity of life, from conception right up until the moment a child crosses the U.S. border.
Sen. JD Vance, with a flair for fantastical logic, has generously preserved the spirit of the family by pondering a revival of that beloved Trump-era tradition: family separations! As thousands of children still experience the fallout from their split-second relocations, the senator is posed to take a stand for law and disorder.
"We believe every fetus has the right to be born, separated from its parents, and then promptly expelled from the country," said GOP strategist Brad Thompson. "It's the circle of life, Republican-style."
The party's vice presidential nominee, JD Vance, enthusiastically endorsed the new slogan during a press conference at the Mexican border. "This really captures our values," Vance said while attempting to lasso a toddler who had wandered too close. "We're pro-life and pro-family... as long as it's not an immigrant family."
Critics have pointed out the apparent contradiction in the GOP's stance, but party officials insist there's no hypocrisy. "Look, we're just being efficient," explained one Republican senator. "Why waste resources on prenatal care when we can use that money to build bigger cages?"
The Trump campaign has already begun selling merchandise featuring the new slogan, including onesies that double as self-deportation sacks.
When Life Hands You School Shooters... Arm the Kids?
In a heartwarmingly apathetic twist, Vance has declared school shootings "a fact of life," during his "Hope for the Hopeless" rally. His solution? Welcome the newly deported at "Second Amendment Academies," where children learn physics the American way — through practicing bullet trajectory and conceal-and-carry parkour.
Why bother enforcing comprehensive gun laws when you can embrace chaos as the new curriculum? After all, shootouts are just as academic as dodgeball, minus the rubber balls—replace them with something that pairs well with thoughts and prayers.
Vance's Noble Vision for Future Generations
Though critics question Vance's family values, they must begrudgingly admit his talent for knitting policies with inconsistencies tighter than a MAGA cap. To Vance's credit, giving life a fair shot means more when the odds of survival against armed classmates are left up to fate. With compassion like his, who needs empathy?
Vice President Kamala Harris might suggest we could mend these mortal tears in the fabric of society. Still, she doesn't compete with Vance's daring initiative to master public indifference — one "reality" at a time.
In an earnest embrace of "normalcy," Vance offers us an America where families never separate — at least not until they cross our borders. As for American schoolchildren, they're perfectly safe... statistically speaking. And what parent wouldn't want their child to excel in bulletproof backpack fashion?
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Scary guy, scary policies.
<< With compassion like his, who needs empathy? >>
Permit me to parody your parody: Vance, Trump, and the entire ReThuglican gang seem content to crap all over the majority of American citizens (and others). With friends like them, who needs enemas?